I was trudging home from work last Tuesday when I ran into an Indian family. I was attracted by their musical accent and the style of their stride in Oniru Estate’s cold night.
As the group approached me, I could easily identify the father and mother, but found it almost impossible naming the kids. They all seemed to share the same looks and height. But on second thoughts, I felt some of the kids could be relatives of the family.
As they drew closer, the proximity of the couple brought to my mind the Indian tradition of the woman asking for the hand of the man in marriage. I also recalled the popular 1980s Indian movie titled: Dusnumbari.
Yet again, I remembered a discussion I had with two Indian journalists whom I met in South Africa: Amita Shinde of Mid Day, India and Meher Bruno Castelino, a freelance journalist for several Indian publications. They both admitted that India has much cultural and religious diversity, a trend which also extends to dating habits.
“In most cases, dating in this region starts after parents arrange marriage. In this article, we will look at the culture and past of this region. It would be really very difficult to comprehend the dating habits of this area unless we have a look into its historical background,” said Amita.
From Meher, I learnt that Indians in upper North India are known as a warrior class, as historically all the invasions in India were through this route. Muslim invaders, beginning with the Muslim King ‘Babar’ entered India through this route. During invasions, the looting of property and the rape of females were common. It was normal to abandon the raped woman, even if she was married. And some fathers would abandon a girl child if she was raped. People practised monogamy almost as a religion here. Although not as true now, divorce was a major taboo.
“At the time of the wedding, the bride’s father would sing the folk song “Teri Doli jaayegi te arthi hi aayegi”; meaning “I am sending you off as a bride and may you come out of your husband’s house only on a pyre and not otherwise”. Another famous saying was “Sada Suhagan Rahe”, meaning “may you never become a widow”; that is you should die earlier than your husband,” Meher explained to me.
My friends were of the opinion that more than 80 percent of marriages are arranged by parents. Parents first look for a suitable match. After they choose one, the boy and girl are made to see each other. And if they happen to like each other, dating starts from that point onwards.
In the case of love marriages also, it was generally expected that both boy and girl seek parents’ approval. In many cases, the father of the girl had to approve, even against his wishes, because the family name would be smeared if the girl should elope with the boy.
In cases where a woman did marry without her father’s approval, any younger sister would find it difficult to get a match for her.
For choosing a date, social considerations weighed very heavily. At the time of marriage, the bride’s father had to give heavy gifts to relatives of the groom, which the Indians also call dowry. Before marriage, a list of such relatives was given to the father of the bride-to-be.
“In Bania community, even dowry is negotiated based on the expenses incurred on the son’s education and how much the boy is earning. Dowry is illegal, but still it continues unabated. It is insulting for a boy to get a bride without a dowry, and even today, on and off one can hear instances that a new bride is burned alive because of insufficient dowry,” Meher added with a sigh.
What I found disheartening about the whole Indian marriage was that in the lower North India state of Rajasthan, ladies used to observe ‘Sati’ a ceremony which makes a lady sit on the burning pyre of her dead husband and burn herself alive. “Now sati, though still there in some small areas, is illegal. While widowers had no restriction on getting married again, widows getting remarried was absolutely forbidden, even in cases where a girl becomes a widow at a young age of 20,” observed Amita.
I believe like any society, these values had an enormous impact on the Indian society as many cultural ceremonies witnessed generations and generations of illiterate women. Since women, till the 1950s in most parts of India were generally not very educated, and certainly not professionally qualified. But then, the society has emerged an incredible one regardless of her population and what the west would term barbaric culture.
As the group approached me, I could easily identify the father and mother, but found it almost impossible naming the kids. They all seemed to share the same looks and height. But on second thoughts, I felt some of the kids could be relatives of the family.
As they drew closer, the proximity of the couple brought to my mind the Indian tradition of the woman asking for the hand of the man in marriage. I also recalled the popular 1980s Indian movie titled: Dusnumbari.
Yet again, I remembered a discussion I had with two Indian journalists whom I met in South Africa: Amita Shinde of Mid Day, India and Meher Bruno Castelino, a freelance journalist for several Indian publications. They both admitted that India has much cultural and religious diversity, a trend which also extends to dating habits.
“In most cases, dating in this region starts after parents arrange marriage. In this article, we will look at the culture and past of this region. It would be really very difficult to comprehend the dating habits of this area unless we have a look into its historical background,” said Amita.
From Meher, I learnt that Indians in upper North India are known as a warrior class, as historically all the invasions in India were through this route. Muslim invaders, beginning with the Muslim King ‘Babar’ entered India through this route. During invasions, the looting of property and the rape of females were common. It was normal to abandon the raped woman, even if she was married. And some fathers would abandon a girl child if she was raped. People practised monogamy almost as a religion here. Although not as true now, divorce was a major taboo.
“At the time of the wedding, the bride’s father would sing the folk song “Teri Doli jaayegi te arthi hi aayegi”; meaning “I am sending you off as a bride and may you come out of your husband’s house only on a pyre and not otherwise”. Another famous saying was “Sada Suhagan Rahe”, meaning “may you never become a widow”; that is you should die earlier than your husband,” Meher explained to me.
My friends were of the opinion that more than 80 percent of marriages are arranged by parents. Parents first look for a suitable match. After they choose one, the boy and girl are made to see each other. And if they happen to like each other, dating starts from that point onwards.
In the case of love marriages also, it was generally expected that both boy and girl seek parents’ approval. In many cases, the father of the girl had to approve, even against his wishes, because the family name would be smeared if the girl should elope with the boy.
In cases where a woman did marry without her father’s approval, any younger sister would find it difficult to get a match for her.
For choosing a date, social considerations weighed very heavily. At the time of marriage, the bride’s father had to give heavy gifts to relatives of the groom, which the Indians also call dowry. Before marriage, a list of such relatives was given to the father of the bride-to-be.
“In Bania community, even dowry is negotiated based on the expenses incurred on the son’s education and how much the boy is earning. Dowry is illegal, but still it continues unabated. It is insulting for a boy to get a bride without a dowry, and even today, on and off one can hear instances that a new bride is burned alive because of insufficient dowry,” Meher added with a sigh.
What I found disheartening about the whole Indian marriage was that in the lower North India state of Rajasthan, ladies used to observe ‘Sati’ a ceremony which makes a lady sit on the burning pyre of her dead husband and burn herself alive. “Now sati, though still there in some small areas, is illegal. While widowers had no restriction on getting married again, widows getting remarried was absolutely forbidden, even in cases where a girl becomes a widow at a young age of 20,” observed Amita.
I believe like any society, these values had an enormous impact on the Indian society as many cultural ceremonies witnessed generations and generations of illiterate women. Since women, till the 1950s in most parts of India were generally not very educated, and certainly not professionally qualified. But then, the society has emerged an incredible one regardless of her population and what the west would term barbaric culture.
